your parents love me but you hate me
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
