so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
