i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
