so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
