I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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