whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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