I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
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