She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
