I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
