id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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