We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Randomize
