dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
