i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
The best revenge is premature balding
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
