Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
