My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
