I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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