I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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