I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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