dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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