sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize