I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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