They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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