Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
