I don't usually arrange sex via text message
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.