my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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