I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
