He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
