i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
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I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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