What did I eat last night that was bloody?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
