Heybabeimwearingurpanties
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
