need another drink. this is the easiest way
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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