Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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