I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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