Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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