he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
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