Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
