I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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