Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
