I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
