trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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