so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
