This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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