I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
