This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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