I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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