Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
