I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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