I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Randomize
