if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
seriously i just wanna be friends
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.