im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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