You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
