allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
