Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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