its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Couch. On fire.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
