I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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