Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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