you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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